Upset

I would like to add another disappointment and regret to my life chapter today. I will start with the disappointment first because it's not as bad as the regret. I was sick with a bad sore throat infection on Sunday, so I informed my colleague who is the secretariat for the exhibition which I mentioned in my previous post that I'll be coming in late for the set up on Monday. She was fine with that. Ok. The initial plan was to stay at the Traders Hotel, KL during the entire exhibition roll out, 4 days 3 nights. Hubby and Lunz will stay together with me as well and I already promised to bring Lunz for a good dip at the pool. Hubby will also take care of Lunz while I work, like bringing him to PetroSain in KLCC and bla bla bla. Everything was well planned earlier. Then the following day, which is today, while I was packing my luggage, I received a call from mum. She told me grandma was in a critical stage and my uncle was asking everyone to rush down to the Gleneagles Hospital for a final look at her.

Without thinking twice, I immediately rush to mum's house to fetch her to the hospital because I know I still have some time before I need to go to the exhibition centre. And it's my responsibility as a daughter to bring her there since I'm free at that time. Hubby fetched Lunz from school, of course.

The disappointment I felt today was actually linked to the regret. Knowing my grandmother had passed away, I know I can't be totally available to work during the exhibition. Still panicking and upset, I immediately made a call to my exhibition secretariat colleague and told her the incident before judging properly. I told her I'm able to come on Tuesday but on Wednesday I definitely couldn't make it as I have to attend the funeral at the memorial park (chut san). I told her I badly wanted to be at the exhibition as everybody in MTC is practically waiting for this big show. Even myself, I spent a week straining my eyes in front of the PC rushing for the business matching schedule for over 200 companies, just for this exhibition. I don't want to miss it, I want to be a part of it. Plus, I have already promised my boys that we will have some KL escapade.

My colleague told me, she will arranged but she called me back in the next 5 minutes and told me not to come to the exhibition anymore. She had already found a replacement for me. I tried to call her back more than 3 times just to let her know, I can make it but still she rejected me. In short, I'm completely eliminated from this project. Another colleague told me, it will not be fair if you aren't there for the entire function and yet you wanted to stay at the hotel. You should gave the opportunity to your replacement as he will be taking over your task. He should be staying in the hotel instead. No point you can make it one day but not the other.

I thought, true...if I'm her, I wouldn't let myself into the shit of arranging all this just for a person. Why should I? I've plenty other arrangements to worry about. Might as well I cut out now on those unnecessary worries. It really felt bad you know, being cut out entirely from an anticipating project. It's like you are totally not involved. No credits. Hubby said I shouldn't have informed my colleague too early. I should have gone there to work first because the 'chut san' date wasn't even confirmed yet at the moment but I have already called my colleague and told her so much. I said, I was just thinking that telling her early would facilitate her to find a replacement for me on the second day of exhibition but never did I know she eliminated me totally from it to save her headache. Hubby commented, that's why. You always think of other people first but you never think for yourself. You can't be so honest and simple in the working world. No one will sympathize nor will pity you. Kindness is your virtue but it is also your weakness.

I was taken aback from his statement. But I know it's true. I hear every single comment from him and told myself not to be this foolish anymore. I was really disappointed but I guessed I have learnt my lesson. The only thing that made me felt better was knowing that I'm leaving soon from this company. So, it's fine if I don't get any credit.

This was nothing compared to the regret I felt today. As I mentioned earlier, I was fetching mum to the hospital and we were actually in front of the hospital entrance when she received a call. My dad told her that grandma was already on the way back to my uncle's house. So the first thing that came into my mind was I need to make a quick turn down to Kepong from Gleneagles Hospital. Without hesitating, I made my way immediately there. Mum told me if I need to go to work, I can leave her at the hospital, she will take a cab. I will not of course, how could I just dumped my mother at this moment, so I told her I'll fetch her to uncle's house. I was telling myself silently, if I leave you to take a cab, I'm a 'sui lui'. If I can't make it to take you in time to see your mother go, I'm a 'sui lui'. All I know that time, I don't care what it is, I must bring my mum there on time. No matter what. I know how much she wanted to see her own mother for the final time. Everyone does when it comes to this situation.

As I rushed down to Kepong, almost reaching my uncle's house, mum received another call. This time from my aunt. Aunt told us that grandma has already passed away.....in the hospital. I was like...OMG...why dad gave us the wrong info? Grandma was still in the hospital and there was no way I can turned back to the hospital now because she was practically gone. So near and yet this happened. We were there at the hospital already when the call from dad came in. If only I don't panicked, if only I'm logic enough, I would have confirmed with the relatives who were there in the hospital instead of listening to dad. And dunno, where the hell dad got the news from. I regret instantly on the spot and to such great extend, I was strucked dumb. I just parked my car by the road side with my double signal on and with mum crying badly next to me. This time, I really 'sui lui'. If dad or bro fetches her, the outcome might be different. I wasn't calm enough, that's why. Mum panicked but I'm not supposed to be. I failed to send her to see her mother for a final look and I know she will regret that for the rest of her life.

I consoled her by telling her, sometimes it's not good to witness your beloved passed away in front of you and grandma loves you so much, she don't want you to witness her death. It's fated. But no matter what I said, I can't stop feeling regret and hurt because she was so upset. I can only be there for her when she needs me and hope time will heal everything.

Amitabha