A Tribute to My Beloved Jia Jia

Last weekend was one of the saddest moment of my life. I lost my Jia Jia (grandmother in Hakka). She left us on May 7, 2009 at 12 noon after struggling much with illnesses at her old age. She was 86 years old when she left. I still remembered a day before, May 6, all of us were present at her bedside to see her because we knew she will leave us anytime. I even planned to see her again after work on May 7, but, little did I knew that I didn't even have the chance anymore. I remembered she was lying motionlessly on the bed while I was busy wiping the ants away from all over her body. I have no idea where the ants came from and they were crawling around her body. I had to wipe the ants away using a wet cloth and as I did, my heart ached because she was unconscious, at her final stage that she didn't even realized ants were crawling everywhere on her body.

The only movement I saw was her chest rising up and down, breathing slowly. I broke into tears twice that night knowing the truth that her time and life will come to an end soon. The next news I heard from the following day at work was.......she had passed away. Mum was sobbing badly asking me to take leave and rushed back home immediately. I cried while I drove all the way back, I cried when I saw her enlarged display picture during the funeral at evening, I cried when I saw her laying inside the coffin, I cried when the Taoist masters performed the prayers, I cried when they sealed the coffin....I can't remember how many times have I cried....everyone around me were crying badly as well especially my mum and brothers.

I knew we should be happy for she lived a long life. Hardly anyone now a days survived as long as she did. But the thing I knew was...I was not happy because my conscience was guilty. I was guilty because I wasn't there for her most of the time until now, when I had lost her only I realized. I don't know how the others felt but my conscience pricked me. When she was very ill, nobody wanted to look after her except for my second aunt who was not married and my 90 years old grandfather. They were the only ones who looked after my Jia Jia till she passed away. I only visited her occasionally but never forked out the time to really looked after her. Neither did the family, cousins and relatives around me. Why were all the cryings at the funeral then?? When she was alive, nobody wants her around. Do you think all the regrets, cryings and screaming for her will bring her back to life or turn back time??

The answer is NO...and I hate myself for that....

Worst still, her beloved son (my uncle) did not wanted to carry her back to his home realizing her time was near because they were afraid that she would die in their house. All the while her only wish was to go back and die at her son's house. Chinese rules are like that, the elderly has to pass away at the eldest son's house. Then only she will leave in peace because her wish is fulfilled. How heartless can the son be considering all the love and efforts the mother provided to raise him? I despised them for that!

All left were just memories. My Jia Jia was very closed to us especially during times when we were still kids, she looked after us a lot. Even when we grew up, the bond was still there. During times before she was ill, I bought a lot of food such as milo and biscuits for her occasionally, she made ribena for me whenever I visited her, she also stuffed some ginseng into my mouth, gave lunlun cans of her 100 plus and biscuits that she stored, gave me some of the fruits that she had cut to eat, supported me in most ways even though she knew I was going to divorce, drove her to the doctor and waited patiently with her, hold my hand tightly during times the doctor checked her and at her final days of life.

That were just a part of our bond in the recent years, not to mention my 27 years of life together with her especially during times when we were young. I admired her openness very much because even though she was an old lady, she supported the fact that I was going to divorce. She never advised me not to do that. She supported me saying that if things were not meant to be, it was not meant to be. She even said lunlun and daddy has a past life's fate that brought them together this life. I still remember all her words. She used to scold me jokingly for studying craps because I didn't understand some of her Hakka language.

How strange the feeling was when that person was no longer there to tell you that?

All I can say is, treasure the people around you. Don't take them for granted. They won't live forever. Even to the day when they are not around anymore, at least you won't live with regret like I do. Because by the time you realized, it will be too late. Don't let your busy life binds you down. Spend time and love no matter how busy you are and you will be grateful that you did.

Although sad and we grieved, but it was a good thing her suffering has finally ended. Jia Jia will be greatly missed and remembered by us. Meanwhile, for now....only time is the best healing medicine.

My Jia Jia and Kung Kung carrying Lunz at his 1 year old birthday bash
Jia Jia...may you rest in peace...